when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
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ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
wait.
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!