Breakfast for Stoners:
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When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.