I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
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tis the season
“i miss shittin on people”
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
Give a baker flours on your first date.
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.