My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
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If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion