Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
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Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
This bar smells like my childhood.
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.