Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
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Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
my astrological sign is a french fry
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*