Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
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I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
#winning
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
$4 #usedbooks
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
Shark week, but for squirrels.
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.