every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
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If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
yeah no that’s fair
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did