I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
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To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
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