If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
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SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
Mmmm canned fish.
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!