Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
You Might Also Like
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
I will never stop laughing at this
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
Meanwhile in Portland…
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee