Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
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So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
Important
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time