Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
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detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
Y’all ready for this
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.