God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
You Might Also Like
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
it be like that
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.