What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
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me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.