This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
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The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
Pretty much. 🤣
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
seems like a niche market
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
My loaf of bread looks terrified
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off