I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
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if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium