People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
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I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
we’re gonna need another temp
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
Peace was never an option