Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
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I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.