I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
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97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten