Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
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non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
Not even remotely sorry.
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.