Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
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Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.