Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
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I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
The Others (2001)
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.