wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
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[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice