I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
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Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
This made me chuckle.
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
Roses are red, you always mattered,
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you