chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
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1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.