All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
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[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
The most important meal of the day is the next one
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
Put my back out twerking in the library again
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.