It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
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One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
They’re called werewolves.
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
lot going on here, legally speaking.
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song