{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
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My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table