I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
You Might Also Like
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
Cow it started Cow it’s going
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
Mountain Goat : )
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
why would tinder want me to say this
Easy enough.
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories