Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
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Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
Alexa; make it look like an accident
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.