DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
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[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
Velcrow
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.