Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
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As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?