99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
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The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
this is one of the best threads in twitter history