Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
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I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
“Huge”.
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.