Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
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I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE