What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
You Might Also Like
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.