We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
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Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
What fresh Hell is this?!?
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
Effort made
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
❤️🦆
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.