When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
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Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
cats when you pet them too long:
my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68fme: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested