Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
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[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
Me, reading some of your tweets
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.