Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
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Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
The news is so predictable nowadays
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?