I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
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I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
Got ya covered
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
😎 🍻
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal