[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
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Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir