Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
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a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
Happy Taco Tuesday
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough