Feels like the fourth month in January
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There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.