Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
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Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
i think my razor is having a panic attack