I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
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Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
True.
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure