A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
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Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
#winning
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
I see your IQ test came back negative
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.