Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
You Might Also Like
can you read it!!??
maan!
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
Who says great literature is dead?
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale