Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
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Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.